In the summer of 2015, I was invited to become the Advice Columnist for Adjunct Commuter Weekly. As the nation's only lifestyle publication dedicated to meeting the needs of contingent faculty, Adjunct Commuter has received substantial praise and media attention. Public events were held at the ICA Boston, on the IKEA Manhattan Ferry and at MoMA PS 1 during the New York Art Book Fair. Despite substantial support from DME Publications and Kickstarter backers, Adjunct Commuter was forced to cease publication after a single print issue. Never to be discouraged, founding editor and artist Dushko Petrovich is now leading the transformation of Adjunct Commuter Weekly into an accessible multimedia platform. A rideshare app is in development. Writing as the pseudonymous Dr. Felicity Crumpet, I hope to be able to counsel distressed academics once again. In the meantime, I hope you will find the first appearance of Dr. Crumpet useful in your professional life.